 As I lay in bed with my son nursing on the right and daughter on the left with their fingers playing with each other, Aah! I feel so fortunate. Thank you God! I take my phone and click a selfie. Beautiful picture! I keep looking at it again and again and everytime i look at it i feel so different. From feeling fortunate of having such beautiful angels who are bonding so well to feeling trapped in this tandem nursing journey. From feeling satisfied for being able to comfort and satisfy my children's need to feeling completely out of control. Mixed emotions, mixed feelings and then i tell myself.... Hello check! Hello check! Thats your reality Mamma! You made this choice! Yes! I made this choice, but when i made this choice i was so passionate about it that i missed on taking a factual account of what i have to really give up and for how long. I knew little of what i will become in this process. For many i was a supermom, a superwoman and an inspiration! To some my choice seemed a big mistake. And only a handful of people wanted to know how i really felt? Honestly, quite often i felt miserable, i felt molested by my own children, i felt helpless, i felt lost, i felt judged, i felt hopeless as a mother, i wanted to end my marriage...... I was shutting down! I never felt like a supermom! I would call myself an ambitious woman, a perfectionist, a fitness enthusiast and an achiever. It was not easy to leave all this behind and accept motherhood gracefully. I was going through a constant battle, i was in conflict as i wanted the best of both worlds. People say everything is possible, surely it is! But to make things possible one needs support, energy and a good state of mind. Motherhood brings with it greatest joy, incomparable to any joy in this world but it can mess you up too. I have two angels in my life, i have an accomodating husband, my life is great yet messed up in many ways. I love my children, they are the biggest priority in my life. They brighten up my gloomy day! Now, unlike before, i don't sulk anymore, i love myself more than ever, i'm trying to set an example in front of my children to never stop loving yourself, to never stop taking care of yourself, value and respect the life God has given you. Every single day i do something that makes me happy at the same time i have finally come to terms with my reality. I face the same challenges every single day but instead of crying over it, I ARRIVE! I arrive to my reality everytime i feel out of control. I still have my low's but i'm better skilled at coping with the messiness in my life. I feel more resorceful! I'm glad i came across people who helped me see through the dark tunnel, who helped me find my path towards a HAPPY ME! One such beautiful soul who influenced my life positively is, Yasmin! I went through parent communication workshop by Yasmin, it has been a biggest milestone in my life, it not only provided me with skills to deal with children but also with adults. Craniosacral therapy with Yasmin brightened my life, Post Partum Depression (PPD) was turning me into an abusive parent and ruining my marraige but the therapy saved my married life and my children's life. Thank you so much for being there. I'm ever grateful to you. Lots of love, Mansi Ashta |